Christian, Motherhood

Where’s My Inheritance?

You know how you can hear and read a passage of scripture time and time again and it does not really change the meaning, then one time it’s like BAM! and you see it differently. It finally speaks to you in a powerful way. Do you know what I mean?

Well, that happened to me this morning as I was reading through my bible, but it started with reading the passage a couple of days ago and not thinking too much of it. Then it appeared today. Over. and Over. And over. Finally, it hit me.

The passage I’m referring to is where Jesus is talking to the crowd and Pharisees about the one lost sheep, the one lost coin and the prodigal son. Now, what hit me right between the eyes is the parable of the lost son. You see, I’ve unknowingly been like the prodigal son lately. I’ve been focused on the things, the inheritance offered to me as a servant of Christ and not the love of the Father. I’ve been honed into the financial problems Dakota and I are facing and requesting that G-d fix the mess we’ve made and put ourselves in. And somehow, that will show His love for me.

I’ve also been seeing people as dollar signs, as a means to an end. I’ve been seeing them as a way for the Lord to bless me. I haven’t been seeing them as the blessing they are, I haven’t been looking at them with love and compassion. I’ve internally been asking, “what can you give me?” and “how are you going to help me get out of this mess?” The truth is it’s not their mess to clean up. The truth is they are more than a means to an end. The truth is you deserve to be seen in the light and way that the Most High sees you. You are not the answer to my problems. You may be a way that is used to answer my problems, but you are not to be used by me.

Jesus is the answer to my problems. It’s through only Him that all this can work out.

For some time, I’ve been working on trying to make my work profitable. It’s been a real struggle, but I think that’s more my fault. I’ve made it into a struggle. I’ve forced myself into this box. I’ve replaced the joy and peace I once felt doing this work with stress. I’ve felt like I have to make money from this for it to be legitimate work. I’ve got to prove to everyone that’s watching that I am doing something good. I’ve been thinking that if I start to make money from this work, then my family will take it seriously. Then my family will understand, or they will be proud. Then my parents will stop asking me if I’ve made any money. Then my grandma will stop worrying. Then this or than that. I’ve put this unnecessary pressure on myself and it’s, in turn, shifted my focus. It’s moved me out of a place of joy, peace, and love into a place of selfishness, greed, and worry.

I’ve lost the joy in just giving the wisdom and advice the Holy Spirit presents to me.

I’ve allowed myself to forget and not remember all that has been provided to Dakota and me over the years. There were times when we didn’t know what we were going to eat and someone would show up with food or ask us to go to dinner. There were times when we weren’t able to pay rent or really any bills, and money would appear whether it was through someone offering to pay for us or just popping up into our bank account it was there. There have been so many acts of provision and grace given to us throughout the years and I always let the problem I’ve facing overshadow the grace.

I’ll with an apology. I’m sincerely sorry if I have made you feel less than worthy. I am sorry that I have viewed you as merely a potential client. I’m sorry I’ve expected you to meet the needs that I have and for not allowing you the opportunity to be the blessing that you are. I’m sorry for robbing you the gift of being a gift. I’m sorry that I’ve focused on myself and my needs rather than meeting yours. You deserve to be viewed with love and compassion.

Here’s to being better and to grow.

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