Christian, Motherhood

The loneliness of a Mother

Motherhood. A truly powerful state of being, yet with all its power can feel like you’re on the loneliest island. What’s worse is the loneliness creeps in, slowly soaking away until you’ve isolated yourself and allow it to cover you like invasive vines. This feeling crept in a few weeks after having my son, at the time my husband and I lived about an hour away from friends and family. It was difficult adjusting to taking care of a child while recovering from having a c-section. I spent most of my days alone in the house. I didn’t see anyone. I didn’t talk to or message anyone. It was just me and the baby. I was having to learn how to take care of this little bean while also trying to take care of myself – I felt like a failure. I felt like I shouldn’t be a mom. I felt like I didn’t belong.

I felt like I was a fraud. I didn’t know how to be a mom, yet whenever I was around people they would tell me how good of a mother I was since I didn’t believe it I felt I was deceiving them.

How could I be a good mother? Me?

I felt out of place. It was like I no longer had control or a say over my body. I was just floating around. Not the good floating where you’re on cloud nine and nothing is going to bring you down. It was like I wasn’t even alive anymore and my spirit was floating towards the ceiling of the house.

I felt so alone. I know in the physical I wasn’t alone. My husband would help with Nav, as much as he could, when he got home from work. My family members and friends would have been willing to help had I asked for it. But I didn’t ask. I didn’t even know how to ask for help. I thought if I asked then that would solidify the thoughts I was having of being a bad mom, of not being legitimate, of not being qualified or worthy of being a mama.

Loneliness is something that I wish I had warned about and that I wish I was more aware of when my friends were having babies. I didn’t realize until experiencing it myself, the depth of feeling alone. I never want another mother to feel alone.

If I’ve completely transparent, I still feel lonely at times. I still feel isolated and unworthy of being Navarone’s mom. I still struggle with trying to put on the mask of having it all figured out. I know I don’t have it all figured out, but I also know that it’s okay and acceptable to not have it all figured out.

If you’re struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone. I’m here with you and many other mothers are too. We’re in this together. Reach out to those around you or send me a message on Instagram or email me. I’m there for you.

Christian, Motherhood

Stay Pure

I grew up in the “purity culture” as I’m sure you did, too. If you spent any amount of time in the church in the early 2000s, you were definitely offered a speech about staying sexually pure and then, “hey buy this ring as a statement of your commitment to not have sex.”

The problem is, most of us didn’t take it seriously because mom and dad just bought us a ring in the hopes that it would magically change into a belt. No one truly explained that being pure is more than about not having sex (because sex in and of itself is not impure). Sex is a beautiful, intimate way to be close to your spouse. Sex is designed to be between a man and a woman, who have been joined together through marriage. (I know I’ll more than likely offend someone who reads this, that’s not my intention, but I can’t withhold explaining the Truth out of fear of offense).

The point that the “purity culture” left out is that we are called to live a pure life. Jesus says, “blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see G-d.”

Purity is much more than not having sex before marriage. It’s more than causing fear around having sex. Let me be honest with you, I was so afraid to have sex with Dakota when we got married. It took a while to mentally allow myself to have sex. I shouldn’t have been full of this fear, but there it was and I had to deal with it. This is due to not fully taking about sex, except to say bad things happen when you do it before its intended time.

Purity is about having a life of purity. It’s about doing the work to be made pure. Once you’ve accepted Christ Jesus as the Messiah, the sacrifice of Heaven, the way to G-d and confess that you have shortcomings, you have internal work to do, you have disobeyed the law of G-d, you have been made spotless. Now, you have to do that internal work, the work of discipline and righteousness to stay pure.

It would be so convenient if we didn’t have to constantly choose how our spirit is going to align (with G-d’s spirit or the other), but we do. That’s where and why the work of purity comes in. That’s why you need to wake up every day and choose to align with the Holy Spirit. You put yourself in a place to be a better follower than you were yesterday. You choose to be purer today, then you have been in the past. The beauty of waking up is that it’s an act of grace and mercy from G-d, it’s a second chance to get it right. You don’t have to continue on in the way that you’ve been going.

Purity is about much more than keeping your legs closed. It’s much more than waiting until your married. It’s a daily, life-long act of service and love to the One who made you, covered your disobedience and continues to call you closer to him.

PS If you’ve been wanting to have a way to start every day in alignment with G-d, but don’t know how. Let me tell you about my Morning M.E.W.S. program. This will get you up and ready to act as the servant you’re called to be. This will start you off on the right foot. Message me on Instagram or email me for a discovery call and we’ll get to work.

Christian

#Blessed

This morning while doing my Morning M.E.W.S (my personal, personal development program), the meditate I was listening to posed the question, “what does it mean to live a blessed life?”

I wrote this down in my journal to explore when that part of my routine came.

When I entered into the writing part of my morning, I asked G-d to guide me to the answer to the question I wrote down.

A blessed life is a life full of service and love.

Service and love.

Take a minute and reflect on what you know about the life Yeshua (Jesus) lived. Did he not say that the son of man comes not to be served, but to serve?

Did He not continuously look on to those around him with love and compassion? Isn’t that the main reason he performed the miracles he did, even that of dying and resurrecting? It was out of love.

Blessings flow through and to those living life as an act of service and love.

When you are full of blessings, you desire to bless others. Now, let me clarify that blessings are not always manifested in the physical (i.e. money, notoriety, success, etc.). While blessings do not always manifest in the physical as assumed, they always manifest in the spirit. This being joy, peace, fullness, wholeness, and love.

A blessed person will always put the needs of others above their own, they will live in service to those around them; however, you do not have to be a doormat and allow things to go on that devalue or strip you of your worth. The Holy Spirit will speak to you to know when to speak, what to say and what to do. You have to listen through and that takes practice.

While you won’t be a doormat to those who need your service, you will also live in peace with others. If what you say and do stirs up division and rage, then I would say it’s not spoken correctly. Don’t live in fear, there are words the Spirit has for you and me to speak that is not easy to say or swallow, yet they need to be said. Most, if not all, the prophets were hated for the words G-d had them speak to His people. Correction isn’t easy to take, but it’s necessary.

Don’t just be a talking parrot though, you have to live the words you speak. You have to put in the work.

Becoming better, more like Christ and always in alignment with the Holy Spirit is not without discipline and dedication. This is a daily practice. You have to put in the work to see the blessings.

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P.S. You know you need to put in the work to be better, you know that there is more out there, but you’re not quite sure how to achieve that abundance? Let’s work together. Message me on Instagram or email to set up a discovery call. I promise you, I won’t hold out the truth nuggets and grace that you deserve.

Christian, Motherhood, The Great Move

We made it out to California, now what?

A little over a week ago, we left the comfort of my hometown to do what we felt G-d calling us to do – move to California. We left Friday, May 3 heading towards Grand Junction, CO to stay with our friends for a couple of nights, then off to California Sunday, May 5.

We had barely any money left and absolutely no idea what we were going to do or go when we got there. Yet, we went and trusted that it would work out.

Sunday through Wednesday were the most difficult days of my life. They tested me to a point of desperation. We ran out of money by the time we got to California and we were looking at having to sleep in our car. We didn’t know what to do. It seemed that as soon as we drove into California, the Spirit left us. We didn’t have any direction. We felt lost.

That first night, we spent our last bit of money on one night in a hotel room. Funny enough, we were upset with G-d for bringing us to California and then leaving us. What’s funny is, the original hotel room we were going to stay in wasn’t good. It was one of those cheap motels that you don’t sleep well at because the mattress stinks, but also because the doors face outside and it doesn’t feel safe. When that place didn’t pan out, I thought, “so the car it is, great. Thanks, G-d.”

With a turn of events, we ended up staying the night in a much better, safer hotel. We were able to sleep soundly because the mattress was uber comfy and the hotel was secure. We still had no idea what we were doing out in California though, even more, how we were going to stay. Dakota went to the few job interviews he had, which don’t seem to have produced any fruit, but most of the time we were there was spent in the car. We tried to explore but didn’t really know where to go. It was getting close to the end of the day and we didn’t have any money for a hotel room, no one we had reached out to for a place to stay had replied back. We ended up going to a homeless shelter that has a back to work program. We were desperate, but we didn’t feel shame for going and asking for help.

The problem with the program (there were a few, but the main one), was that we had to come back for an interview meaning we still didn’t have a place to stay. With the program, we would have had to turn over our electronics and not have any visitors or be able to leave for the first 30 days. This broke me. It meant that I wasn’t going to be able to join my family in honoring my grandpa in Washington D.C. next month. I went to the bathroom and broke down. Literally fell to the floor, weeping. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I wanted to go home. If this is where and what G-d had planned, I didn’t want it anymore.

My grandma called right as we left the building. Bless my grandma. I love her dearly and thank G-d for her continuously. She offered insight and sent money for us (technology, wow). Now, we’re staying with our friends back in Colorado for a bit. We’re not sure how long we’ll stay here, but we know that eventually, we will be moving to California. Eventually, we will be where we see G-d sending us, but there’s a pit stop to make before. We’re not entirely sure what He’s up to right now, but we fully trust His plan and timing. We know better than to not trust Him.

Was California everything we thought it would be? No, but we did have all our prayers answered. We did find a place to live (just the town and not an apartment), we did find out how willing we were to stay in California (we looked at homeless shelters), we did keep going. We may be in the wilderness right now, but that’s okay. We may be in the three-month adjustment period after giving birth, but that’s fine. All it means is that we’re still striving. We have a little more work to do and a little more to learn before the big event. It’s the small obediences that are important. If you can do the small, you can do the big. Although California was D I F F I C U L T and T E S T I N G it was a blessing. We saw YHWH work. We saw our future. We saw an opportunity.

This is not the end.

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Christian, Motherhood, The Great Move

Called Out into the Unknown

Two days ago, we set off on our adventure. The last several days have been nothing short of exhausting and exhilarating. I’m constantly in awe of G-d’s goodness.

I feel it necessary to give you the full story on what’s going on in life right now and why. If you read my previous post, We’re Going on an Adventure then you know that Dakota and I packed up everything we could and are moving from Oklahoma to California.

I told you how we have felt a calling to “just go” several times in our relationship, but it was never anything as life-changing as this adventure.

A week ago, we felt a strong calling, pressing, prompting, whatever you want to say, to move to California. Just go.

We kept asking each other, “what do you think that means? Just go.” Following the question with, “it can’t be that simple.”

Friends, it is that simple.

After S E V E R A L confirmations of it being that simple, we decided. We’re just going to pack up and leave Friday, May 3. This happened to be the day Navarone turned 9-months (the timing of all this is bonkers, in my opinion). After two days of downsizing and packing up our house into our Chevrolet Equinox, we headed out of my hometown for Colorado, to spend a couple of nights with one of my best friends (hey, girl I love you and you are a blessing), and now, quite literally right now, we are en route to California.

We still have no place to sleep tonight, other than our car. Our resources are limited. Yet, I’m not filled with worry and anxiety. G-d’s word says, “perfect love drives out fear,” “be anxious about nothing,” and “the Lord is not slow to keep his promises.”

These are Truths that I know full well, I am not afraid of the future. I know this is right. My core knows this is right. My spirit is filling me with joy and excitement. I see that events are about to take place, promises from G-d in years past are about to be fulfilled. The Lord has always provided for Dakota and me. Jehovah Jirah. Always.

Now, if I look at our situation with natural eyes, I see how ridiculous it is. Two twentysomethings, packed up their stuff, their small son, corgi and set out to live in another state they have never been to before, with (starting out before Friday) $140 to use, no place to live and no job. Seriously, I get how naive and irresponsible this all seems. Know, that we tried to plan this out. We tried to have a plan to save and have all our ducks in a row before leaving, and yes we could have kept to that plan. H O W E V E R, we could not shake the thought of it being now or never. We could not  remove from us this feeling of “just go.”

I can’t fully explain this situation in any other words, it’s ordained by G-d. How can I doubt it’ll work out if He’s the source? What evidence do I have that says He won’t come through? All the evidence and knowledge I have proves that He will take care of us. All that I have seen reassures me that we will have food, shelter, and clothes. All that I know is that G-d is good and He works everything out for the good of His people who are called by His name.

I know this is crazy, but I also know this is right. I know what it’s like to hold back and to hesitate on the prompting and how devastating it feels to know that you’ve missed your chance. We have to go to California, even if it’s just to see. There’s something about being obedient that aids in comfort and peace.

Follow His prompting. G-d is able to provide all resources always.

 

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Christian, Motherhood, The Great Move

We’re Going on an Adventure!

One of my favorite series of movies and books are the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings. There is so much goodness in each and I just love everything about them. My absolute favorite part is when a young Bilbo Baggins decides to follow Gandalf. He grabs what he can and busts out the door, running through the Shire shouting “IM GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!”

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I love this scene so much. It really sparks me to go out and do.

My favorite movie is Ben Stiller’s rendition of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Does this movie get me jazzed up. The cinematography,  the directing, editing, literally every piece of it is G E N I U S. Here’s the point, life is in the now, not the what if or could be. It’s now.

We’re going on an adventure!

Dakota and I are moving from small-town Oklahoma to California. We’re moving this Friday, actually. Now, this wasn’t our original plan. Our plan started out as “within the year [2019] we’ll move.” Then it was, “by the end of August.” And then, “after we get back from our trip to D.C. [which is mid-June].” And then, “by the end of May.”

Then we felt a heavy, deep pressing to “just go.”

What does that even mean? We aren’t prepared to “just go.” How do we drop everything, pack up and go? Is it just that simple?

Yes.

In the short days since we’ve felt the burden to just pack up and go, doors have opened in ways we couldn’t have possibly imagined. Opportunities are popping up.

Since we’ve told our friends and family, there has been a blanket of peace and assurance.

Now, I have to give you a brief history of our relationship. We’ve had quite a few “just go”(s) along the way. They’ve all seemed reckless and hasty to the physical eye and in a practical sense, and they all haven’t started out as easy-peasy. We’ve faced some real struggles financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. At the beginning of our marriage, we moved an hour and 30 minutes away from where I was attending university and working. We had zero money and no food; however, we were never hungry and provision was always made for our bills to be paid. In four short months, we learned a lot about depending on G-d for our needs and were able to see Him work miracles. Food would literally show up at our doorstep. Even though the time seemed bleak and made me wonder if we heard correctly, I wouldn’t give up the struggle and the lessons learned. After living there, we broke the lease and moved back to my home town.

We lived there for a couple of years until I finished college and then for a year after, then we heard the call again, “just go.” Back to OKC, we went to a different location this time with different lessons to learn. This was the most bittersweet time for our family. My grandpa ended up battling cancer, he then died (got the ultimate healing is how I like to say it), and while we struggled with his death, I found out I was pregnant with our son.

A month after Navarone was born, we moved again. A way was made for us to go back to my hometown. We’ve been here for eight months. We’ll be moving when Nav hits the nine-month mark. I believe there is something to that timing.

Friends, we’re going on an adventure. I feel the birth pains. The fear and excitement. Peace and nervousness. The Spirit is about to drop and if we don’t go, we will miss it.

To you I want to say, hear the call. Go. G-d wants to do big and grand things through you. Let Him. It might be terrifying, like jumping off the high-dive for the first time, but the joy and peace will kick in.

We’re just going. Packing up what we can fit in the car and what we need.

WE’RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE! Out of the ‘sha, we go.

 

Christian, Motherhood

Where’s Your Head?

On my Chromebook and iMac, I have the Chrome extension “News Feed Eradicator.” Simply because when I get on either, my mission is to get to work, get done and move on with my day. I don’t want to waste time phubbing through my Facebook news feed. I just want to do the work.

If you’re not familiar with the extension, briefly it removes your news feed and replaces it with a quote.

Navarone woke up about an hour ago wanting to be fed, so I fed him and as is the way my life goes, I cannot go back to sleep (it’s about 15 past midnight). While I wait for the melatonin in my brain to kick back in, I thought I would get up and check notifications. I avoid my phone and pick up my Chromebook.

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

~ Thomas Jefferson

Here’s what I picked up on from this quote, “nothing on earth can help,” no physical thing can help you if you’re mind isn’t right. It’s only in the spiritual where you find help. If you want to see your dreams come true, you gotta believe they can and will.

Where’s your head? What do your thoughts say about you?

Are you thinking positively, or do you only see “what’s wrong” with your life?

Now, I am not belittling the struggle and battle of mental illness. As someone who has quite literally fought anxiety, depression, and self-doubt my whole life, I know that it can be a real fight to have positive thoughts. That being said, I know that it is possible to be free from negativity. I know that my mental state today is LIGHTYEARS better than where it was even just a year or two ago.

Where’s your head?

Do you see yourself accomplishing your goals? Do you have goals?

Studies show that goals, even small ones, help us feel less stressed and joyful. I think about a study done with children. In the study, the children are taken to a fenced-in playground and allowed to run free. They run all along the perimeter alongside the fence. The next time they go to the playground the fence has been removed, yet they’re allowed to run around. This time, without a fence, instead of running alongside the perimeter of the playground they stay in the center. They’re brought back to the playground again, with a fence. The same thing as the first time, they play all along the fence.

I see goals as the fence. It allows us to run up to something, and see safety in it. They show us where our head is at and gives us something to focus our thoughts on.

I believe that G-d gives us goals. He gives us dreams and desires and makes a way for us to achieve those goals. He makes it possible.

As a spiritual life coach, I help women find goals. I help women hear the Holy Spirit’s voice planting desires and dreams into their hearts. I get to see the mindset shifts and help to rewrite whatever false story, identity or narrative they’ve been telling themselves.

It’s a blessing to have this type of ministry. It’s a blessing to share in goals. I want to help women in life, business, and their relationship with the Lord. I want to help breath life into women’s lives by healing body, mind, and spirit.

I desire to help reset the mind, body, and spirit.

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Christian

Out of the Wilderness – Overcoming the Doubt

As I told you a couple of days ago, I have been fighting doubt. It’s been a battle that I’ve been struggling with for a few weeks now (more intensely, but if I’m honest it’s been a lifelong struggle). I also told you about the wilderness and its meaning. I’ll link that post here, but as a quick refresher the wilderness is the state where your spirit is completely aligned with the Holy Spirit, it has no doubt, fear, lack of trust within it, but your body and mind seem to be lagging behind. Essentially, the wilderness is Jesus asking, “do you trust me? Keep walking.”

You have to answer. Are you going to keep walking and be gracious with yourself until your mind and body meet your spirit? Or are you going to say forget it and try to find your own way out of the desert?

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Well, I’ve been D E E P within the wilderness these last few weeks. I mean, I’ve been surrounded by sand and barren land with no end in sight. It’s seemed like everyone around me is merely a mirage. It’s been a struggle to have joy and certainty in the decisions I’ve been making, but it’s not like I’m unsure about what I’m doing in a “maybe this isn’t the right choice” kind of way. It’s been more of a “this doesn’t make sense to me, but I know the Lord is asking me to do this, so here we go” way. The path I’m been led on doesn’t make sense in the physical and I’m having a hard time seeing the bigger picture. I see the goal, but I cannot see how the pieces and steps I’m taking meet up to the goal.

That’s fine though. We’re not always going to see the bigger picture or how the pieces fully match up. That’s what faith is for and it’s G-d’s job to be the puzzle player. He’s the one who can see the bigger picture (after all it’s His picture to make) and we just need to believe that the pieces are being put in the right place.

Now, I’ve been in this wilderness, but I’m starting to see the end of the desert. I’m feeling joyful again. I finally feel the alignment of body, mind, and spirit. I’m slowly seeing the pieces match up.

Friends, I need you to know that there is a way out of the wilderness. I know that it may seem like there is no way out. I know how difficult it can be to just keep walking. I understand how barren, desolate and hopeless the wilderness can feel, but it’s not the end. It’s only the beginning. I share my struggle with you like encouragement and inspiration. If Jesus led me out the wilderness than He’ll lead you. He’s leading you. If you’re full of doubt, fear, lack of trust, anxiety, depression or anything else, know that it’s not forever. Believe that He can take it away from you. It might be instantly or it may take some time, but believe and trust that it will come to you.

If you’re D E E P within the wilderness and need some personalize insight or guidance, message me on Facebook or Instagram. I want to help you. You are not alone in the wilderness and it’s not a sign of being forsaken. You are being drawn closer to Jesus, just keep walking.

Christian, Motherhood

How’s That Egg?

Today, I heard G-d ask me, “How’s that egg on your face?”

“It’s wonderful and really annoying, thanks,” was all I could think.

Today, I learned a lesson. You don’t know who is listening, watching or reading what you’re doing. You just don’t always know who is paying attention to you. It can have you thinking that no one is watching or paying attention. Guess what. G-d is always watching and attentive and if you ask for correction or for the lesson to learn, He’ll give it.

Boy, does He give it. You might even hear, “How’s that egg on your face?” for yourself.

I have had this weird grudge and competition with a couple of people for the last couple of weeks. I have felt real annoyance seeing their posts on social media and it’s bad. It was bad, I should say. Well, today I received a message from one of them about my blog and how much that person loved it. They told me how much they thought what I was talking about is needed and that it’s great that I’m putting stuff out.

[cue egg]

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As you know, I have been filled with doubt. I have been questioning what I’m doing and wondering if I’m making the right calls. It’s been such a stinking battle I just can’t even explain it fully. Who is the person that G-d used to show me I’m doing just as He’s asking? That I am doing what I need to be doing? This person that I’ve had a jaded attitude towards.

Friends, correct yourself. Check and cleanse your heart and mind. Don’t let yourself continue on ignoring the negative thoughts and feelings you have towards another, otherwise, you’ll end up with egg on your face too.

If you’re wondering why I thought having egg on my face is wonderful and annoying, well I want to grow and become better, so I know I need to go through these lessons, but that doesn’t mean it’s always fun.

Christian, Motherhood

Of Wilderness

OverProject (2)Lately, I’ve had Heaven time compared to Earth time on my mind. I’ve been thinking the massive time difference between the two and how it relates or enhances the meaning of certain bible verses, namely 2 Peter 3:9.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish,but that all should reach repentance.

We often (myself included) question G-d and His timing. We question if we’re truly hearing His voice and instruction. We question His correctness in calling us to do something. We question His goodness when things don’t happen the way or when we want them to happen. We start to question His existence even. We wonder if He has any care for us and our lives and think, “how could He? He’s so large and we’re small. Why would He care?”

Let me be extremely transparent and vulnerable with you, I am fighting doubt. It is a battle that at times feels like I’m suffocating from and am losing. I know, that is my spirit knows the Truth. My spirit believes the words I’ve heard from G-d, the words He’s spoken to me directly and those He’s spoken to me through someone else and His word. I believe that my dreams and visions will come to fruition, but the doubt sets in. This doubt is rooted in my mind and body taking a bit to catch up with the Truth my spirit knows.

You see, my spirit (as is the truth with yours) is able to meet up with Heaven’s time and the flesh (body and mind) run along with Earth time. This means that while my spirit sees, but flesh can lag behind a bit. It’s during this time where doubt sets in because the fight of spirit and flesh is going on within me. I’ve come to realize that this is the wilderness.

What do I mean by the wilderness?

If you look at the Holy Bible, you see that there are a great numbers of people who G-d called into the wilderness. He spoke to them. Strengthened them in body, mind and spirit. I see the wilderness as this current state I’m in. Where I’m waiting for my body and mind to match up to my spirit. This is the point where I hear Jesus asking, “do you trust me? Keep walking.”

The wilderness shows how hungry you are for Jesus and His will. Are you willing to keep walking even when all you see is desolate and empty? Do you trust Him and His leading? Do you believe that He’s taking you to the City of Light? If not, why continue to go after what you feel He’s put on your heart? If not, why bother getting mad at Him? He didn’t stop you from pursuing His best. You did that. You decided that the wilderness was too much, too hard, too difficult.

If I can offer you one bit of advice that you heed, it’s to keep walking. Keep taking steps forward. I know that it feels like you’re never going to get to the Promise Land. Keep in mind that Heaven works at a quicker pace than Earth. He is not slow to keep His promises, even though it feels like He’s taking an eternity. The day has only just begun. Stay the course. Finish the race. See the Light. Fight through the wilderness and you will taste the good, sweet fruit of the Promise Land.