Christian, Motherhood

Where’s My Inheritance?

You know how you can hear and read a passage of scripture time and time again and it does not really change the meaning, then one time it’s like BAM! and you see it differently. It finally speaks to you in a powerful way. Do you know what I mean?

Well, that happened to me this morning as I was reading through my bible, but it started with reading the passage a couple of days ago and not thinking too much of it. Then it appeared today. Over. and Over. And over. Finally, it hit me.

The passage I’m referring to is where Jesus is talking to the crowd and Pharisees about the one lost sheep, the one lost coin and the prodigal son. Now, what hit me right between the eyes is the parable of the lost son. You see, I’ve unknowingly been like the prodigal son lately. I’ve been focused on the things, the inheritance offered to me as a servant of Christ and not the love of the Father. I’ve been honed into the financial problems Dakota and I are facing and requesting that G-d fix the mess we’ve made and put ourselves in. And somehow, that will show His love for me.

I’ve also been seeing people as dollar signs, as a means to an end. I’ve been seeing them as a way for the Lord to bless me. I haven’t been seeing them as the blessing they are, I haven’t been looking at them with love and compassion. I’ve internally been asking, “what can you give me?” and “how are you going to help me get out of this mess?” The truth is it’s not their mess to clean up. The truth is they are more than a means to an end. The truth is you deserve to be seen in the light and way that the Most High sees you. You are not the answer to my problems. You may be a way that is used to answer my problems, but you are not to be used by me.

Jesus is the answer to my problems. It’s through only Him that all this can work out.

For some time, I’ve been working on trying to make my work profitable. It’s been a real struggle, but I think that’s more my fault. I’ve made it into a struggle. I’ve forced myself into this box. I’ve replaced the joy and peace I once felt doing this work with stress. I’ve felt like I have to make money from this for it to be legitimate work. I’ve got to prove to everyone that’s watching that I am doing something good. I’ve been thinking that if I start to make money from this work, then my family will take it seriously. Then my family will understand, or they will be proud. Then my parents will stop asking me if I’ve made any money. Then my grandma will stop worrying. Then this or than that. I’ve put this unnecessary pressure on myself and it’s, in turn, shifted my focus. It’s moved me out of a place of joy, peace, and love into a place of selfishness, greed, and worry.

I’ve lost the joy in just giving the wisdom and advice the Holy Spirit presents to me.

I’ve allowed myself to forget and not remember all that has been provided to Dakota and me over the years. There were times when we didn’t know what we were going to eat and someone would show up with food or ask us to go to dinner. There were times when we weren’t able to pay rent or really any bills, and money would appear whether it was through someone offering to pay for us or just popping up into our bank account it was there. There have been so many acts of provision and grace given to us throughout the years and I always let the problem I’ve facing overshadow the grace.

I’ll with an apology. I’m sincerely sorry if I have made you feel less than worthy. I am sorry that I have viewed you as merely a potential client. I’m sorry I’ve expected you to meet the needs that I have and for not allowing you the opportunity to be the blessing that you are. I’m sorry for robbing you the gift of being a gift. I’m sorry that I’ve focused on myself and my needs rather than meeting yours. You deserve to be viewed with love and compassion.

Here’s to being better and to grow.

Christian, Motherhood, The Great Move

Breathe Life Into It

This past Sunday, Dakota and I went down to pray for direction. As you know G-d has asked for a bit of blind faith from us lately, with moving to California, then not finding a place and now living a vagabond lifestyle. We’ve just been searching for some clarity on what our next steps, so when it was time for prayer in the service, we went down to pray. The couple that prayed with us are like a another set of parents for us. Before praying, the man said that the day before he was reading Ezekiel and the scripture of the valley of dry bones. He pointed out that there was different layers of prophecy Ezekiel had to speak out before the bones came to life. He had to command the bones to rejoin, then he had to command the wind to breathe life into the bones.

As you may or may not know, I’ve been working at making the work I’ve been doing profitable. I’ve been grinding my butt off reading, studying, investing and trying to make this blog, coaching, influencer work into income. There are a few reasons for this goal. The first is the calling. I hear a calling to help bring peace and joy into lives, for awhile I had the broad idea of women, but I’ve come to realize that my heart is for mamas, specifically new mamas struggling mentally with motherhood. This is a struggle I have, so if I can help other mamas deal with it and learn to not let it control them that’s what I’ll do. The second reason is to provide for my little family. Dakota and I have always struggled financially in our marriage. We’ve always busted our butts trying to make ends meet and get to the goal of stability. Now, we’ve always been taken care of (G-d is so good to us) and we’ve got a good safety net for family, but I don’t want to depend on my family as much as we do.

I feel a sense of responsibility to take care of our family on our own. I desire to be able to let Dakota live out his dreams of music and cooking, while I work on my dream of writing, public speaking and coaching. I desire for us to live our the purpose and calling that has been placed on us, but life has been throwing hurdles at us.

Back to work I’ve been doing, this morning when I woke up I heard “breathe life into it.” Now, I’ve been asking for wisdom on what that means because I thought I was doing that – rejoining bones and breathing life into my work. But have I? I’ve been so focused on trying to do everything myself. I’ve been trying REALLY hard to control all of this business when I don’t know it all. I’ve tried to learn, enrolled in a few classes, struggled and I’m still left with a pile of bones.

So, I’m thinking the answer is to let go. You know, I have friends who have degrees in the areas that I am so lost in. Why have I not reached out to them for help? Why don’t I get a team behind me that helps lift me up, but I in turn can help lift up myself? I’m trying so hard to work towards the joy and abundance promised me through the work that brings me the most joy and clarity, why keep it all to myself?

Maybe that’s the missing link. I need to allow life to be brought into this business and ministry. I need to allow it to be the community I see it being. I need to work with and collaborate. We are not meant to do this alone, so why continue struggling to do it alone?

For you, if you’re struggling with something that you’ve been really working on, I advise reading Ezekiel 37. Read it and step back to take a different look at the situation, do you have just a pile of bones? Do you need to breathe life into the situation? Do you need to ask for help? It’s not weak to ask for help. It’s not a sign of stupidity to acknowledge that you don’t know something. It’s acceptable to ask someone who knows more than you to work alongside you. Life isn’t meant to be lived alone. Allow yourself the freedom and liberty of collaborating with someone.

Christian, Motherhood

The loneliness of a Mother

Motherhood. A truly powerful state of being, yet with all its power can feel like you’re on the loneliest island. What’s worse is the loneliness creeps in, slowly soaking away until you’ve isolated yourself and allow it to cover you like invasive vines. This feeling crept in a few weeks after having my son, at the time my husband and I lived about an hour away from friends and family. It was difficult adjusting to taking care of a child while recovering from having a c-section. I spent most of my days alone in the house. I didn’t see anyone. I didn’t talk to or message anyone. It was just me and the baby. I was having to learn how to take care of this little bean while also trying to take care of myself – I felt like a failure. I felt like I shouldn’t be a mom. I felt like I didn’t belong.

I felt like I was a fraud. I didn’t know how to be a mom, yet whenever I was around people they would tell me how good of a mother I was since I didn’t believe it I felt I was deceiving them.

How could I be a good mother? Me?

I felt out of place. It was like I no longer had control or a say over my body. I was just floating around. Not the good floating where you’re on cloud nine and nothing is going to bring you down. It was like I wasn’t even alive anymore and my spirit was floating towards the ceiling of the house.

I felt so alone. I know in the physical I wasn’t alone. My husband would help with Nav, as much as he could, when he got home from work. My family members and friends would have been willing to help had I asked for it. But I didn’t ask. I didn’t even know how to ask for help. I thought if I asked then that would solidify the thoughts I was having of being a bad mom, of not being legitimate, of not being qualified or worthy of being a mama.

Loneliness is something that I wish I had warned about and that I wish I was more aware of when my friends were having babies. I didn’t realize until experiencing it myself, the depth of feeling alone. I never want another mother to feel alone.

If I’ve completely transparent, I still feel lonely at times. I still feel isolated and unworthy of being Navarone’s mom. I still struggle with trying to put on the mask of having it all figured out. I know I don’t have it all figured out, but I also know that it’s okay and acceptable to not have it all figured out.

If you’re struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone. I’m here with you and many other mothers are too. We’re in this together. Reach out to those around you or send me a message on Instagram or email me. I’m there for you.

Christian, Motherhood

Where’s Your Head?

On my Chromebook and iMac, I have the Chrome extension “News Feed Eradicator.” Simply because when I get on either, my mission is to get to work, get done and move on with my day. I don’t want to waste time phubbing through my Facebook news feed. I just want to do the work.

If you’re not familiar with the extension, briefly it removes your news feed and replaces it with a quote.

Navarone woke up about an hour ago wanting to be fed, so I fed him and as is the way my life goes, I cannot go back to sleep (it’s about 15 past midnight). While I wait for the melatonin in my brain to kick back in, I thought I would get up and check notifications. I avoid my phone and pick up my Chromebook.

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

~ Thomas Jefferson

Here’s what I picked up on from this quote, “nothing on earth can help,” no physical thing can help you if you’re mind isn’t right. It’s only in the spiritual where you find help. If you want to see your dreams come true, you gotta believe they can and will.

Where’s your head? What do your thoughts say about you?

Are you thinking positively, or do you only see “what’s wrong” with your life?

Now, I am not belittling the struggle and battle of mental illness. As someone who has quite literally fought anxiety, depression, and self-doubt my whole life, I know that it can be a real fight to have positive thoughts. That being said, I know that it is possible to be free from negativity. I know that my mental state today is LIGHTYEARS better than where it was even just a year or two ago.

Where’s your head?

Do you see yourself accomplishing your goals? Do you have goals?

Studies show that goals, even small ones, help us feel less stressed and joyful. I think about a study done with children. In the study, the children are taken to a fenced-in playground and allowed to run free. They run all along the perimeter alongside the fence. The next time they go to the playground the fence has been removed, yet they’re allowed to run around. This time, without a fence, instead of running alongside the perimeter of the playground they stay in the center. They’re brought back to the playground again, with a fence. The same thing as the first time, they play all along the fence.

I see goals as the fence. It allows us to run up to something, and see safety in it. They show us where our head is at and gives us something to focus our thoughts on.

I believe that G-d gives us goals. He gives us dreams and desires and makes a way for us to achieve those goals. He makes it possible.

As a spiritual life coach, I help women find goals. I help women hear the Holy Spirit’s voice planting desires and dreams into their hearts. I get to see the mindset shifts and help to rewrite whatever false story, identity or narrative they’ve been telling themselves.

It’s a blessing to have this type of ministry. It’s a blessing to share in goals. I want to help women in life, business, and their relationship with the Lord. I want to help breath life into women’s lives by healing body, mind, and spirit.

I desire to help reset the mind, body, and spirit.

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Christian

Out of the Wilderness – Overcoming the Doubt

As I told you a couple of days ago, I have been fighting doubt. It’s been a battle that I’ve been struggling with for a few weeks now (more intensely, but if I’m honest it’s been a lifelong struggle). I also told you about the wilderness and its meaning. I’ll link that post here, but as a quick refresher the wilderness is the state where your spirit is completely aligned with the Holy Spirit, it has no doubt, fear, lack of trust within it, but your body and mind seem to be lagging behind. Essentially, the wilderness is Jesus asking, “do you trust me? Keep walking.”

You have to answer. Are you going to keep walking and be gracious with yourself until your mind and body meet your spirit? Or are you going to say forget it and try to find your own way out of the desert?

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Well, I’ve been D E E P within the wilderness these last few weeks. I mean, I’ve been surrounded by sand and barren land with no end in sight. It’s seemed like everyone around me is merely a mirage. It’s been a struggle to have joy and certainty in the decisions I’ve been making, but it’s not like I’m unsure about what I’m doing in a “maybe this isn’t the right choice” kind of way. It’s been more of a “this doesn’t make sense to me, but I know the Lord is asking me to do this, so here we go” way. The path I’m been led on doesn’t make sense in the physical and I’m having a hard time seeing the bigger picture. I see the goal, but I cannot see how the pieces and steps I’m taking meet up to the goal.

That’s fine though. We’re not always going to see the bigger picture or how the pieces fully match up. That’s what faith is for and it’s G-d’s job to be the puzzle player. He’s the one who can see the bigger picture (after all it’s His picture to make) and we just need to believe that the pieces are being put in the right place.

Now, I’ve been in this wilderness, but I’m starting to see the end of the desert. I’m feeling joyful again. I finally feel the alignment of body, mind, and spirit. I’m slowly seeing the pieces match up.

Friends, I need you to know that there is a way out of the wilderness. I know that it may seem like there is no way out. I know how difficult it can be to just keep walking. I understand how barren, desolate and hopeless the wilderness can feel, but it’s not the end. It’s only the beginning. I share my struggle with you like encouragement and inspiration. If Jesus led me out the wilderness than He’ll lead you. He’s leading you. If you’re full of doubt, fear, lack of trust, anxiety, depression or anything else, know that it’s not forever. Believe that He can take it away from you. It might be instantly or it may take some time, but believe and trust that it will come to you.

If you’re D E E P within the wilderness and need some personalize insight or guidance, message me on Facebook or Instagram. I want to help you. You are not alone in the wilderness and it’s not a sign of being forsaken. You are being drawn closer to Jesus, just keep walking.

Christian, Motherhood

How’s That Egg?

Today, I heard G-d ask me, “How’s that egg on your face?”

“It’s wonderful and really annoying, thanks,” was all I could think.

Today, I learned a lesson. You don’t know who is listening, watching or reading what you’re doing. You just don’t always know who is paying attention to you. It can have you thinking that no one is watching or paying attention. Guess what. G-d is always watching and attentive and if you ask for correction or for the lesson to learn, He’ll give it.

Boy, does He give it. You might even hear, “How’s that egg on your face?” for yourself.

I have had this weird grudge and competition with a couple of people for the last couple of weeks. I have felt real annoyance seeing their posts on social media and it’s bad. It was bad, I should say. Well, today I received a message from one of them about my blog and how much that person loved it. They told me how much they thought what I was talking about is needed and that it’s great that I’m putting stuff out.

[cue egg]

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As you know, I have been filled with doubt. I have been questioning what I’m doing and wondering if I’m making the right calls. It’s been such a stinking battle I just can’t even explain it fully. Who is the person that G-d used to show me I’m doing just as He’s asking? That I am doing what I need to be doing? This person that I’ve had a jaded attitude towards.

Friends, correct yourself. Check and cleanse your heart and mind. Don’t let yourself continue on ignoring the negative thoughts and feelings you have towards another, otherwise, you’ll end up with egg on your face too.

If you’re wondering why I thought having egg on my face is wonderful and annoying, well I want to grow and become better, so I know I need to go through these lessons, but that doesn’t mean it’s always fun.

Christian, Motherhood

Of Wilderness

OverProject (2)Lately, I’ve had Heaven time compared to Earth time on my mind. I’ve been thinking the massive time difference between the two and how it relates or enhances the meaning of certain bible verses, namely 2 Peter 3:9.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish,but that all should reach repentance.

We often (myself included) question G-d and His timing. We question if we’re truly hearing His voice and instruction. We question His correctness in calling us to do something. We question His goodness when things don’t happen the way or when we want them to happen. We start to question His existence even. We wonder if He has any care for us and our lives and think, “how could He? He’s so large and we’re small. Why would He care?”

Let me be extremely transparent and vulnerable with you, I am fighting doubt. It is a battle that at times feels like I’m suffocating from and am losing. I know, that is my spirit knows the Truth. My spirit believes the words I’ve heard from G-d, the words He’s spoken to me directly and those He’s spoken to me through someone else and His word. I believe that my dreams and visions will come to fruition, but the doubt sets in. This doubt is rooted in my mind and body taking a bit to catch up with the Truth my spirit knows.

You see, my spirit (as is the truth with yours) is able to meet up with Heaven’s time and the flesh (body and mind) run along with Earth time. This means that while my spirit sees, but flesh can lag behind a bit. It’s during this time where doubt sets in because the fight of spirit and flesh is going on within me. I’ve come to realize that this is the wilderness.

What do I mean by the wilderness?

If you look at the Holy Bible, you see that there are a great numbers of people who G-d called into the wilderness. He spoke to them. Strengthened them in body, mind and spirit. I see the wilderness as this current state I’m in. Where I’m waiting for my body and mind to match up to my spirit. This is the point where I hear Jesus asking, “do you trust me? Keep walking.”

The wilderness shows how hungry you are for Jesus and His will. Are you willing to keep walking even when all you see is desolate and empty? Do you trust Him and His leading? Do you believe that He’s taking you to the City of Light? If not, why continue to go after what you feel He’s put on your heart? If not, why bother getting mad at Him? He didn’t stop you from pursuing His best. You did that. You decided that the wilderness was too much, too hard, too difficult.

If I can offer you one bit of advice that you heed, it’s to keep walking. Keep taking steps forward. I know that it feels like you’re never going to get to the Promise Land. Keep in mind that Heaven works at a quicker pace than Earth. He is not slow to keep His promises, even though it feels like He’s taking an eternity. The day has only just begun. Stay the course. Finish the race. See the Light. Fight through the wilderness and you will taste the good, sweet fruit of the Promise Land.

Christian, Motherhood

It’s Already Within You

Beloved, it’s already within you. It’s all there. Everything you need. You are more qualified than you know to complete the task set before you. You only have to choose to believe that G-d has chosen you. You have to know who He has called you to be and not accept anything else.

Can I tell you that I know the struggle of believing in who G-d has called me to be? I understand what it means to have the idea you have of yourself questioned. I understand not thinking much of yourself and how difficult it can be to have faith that by calling you to complete whatever task, G-d made the right choice.

For years, I’ve allowed myself to be the wallflower of the group because it was easier to be quiet and appear shy then to explain that I just don’t like idle chatter. I’m not big on small talk, never have been. I want to talk about things that have substance and meaning.

Lately, I’ve been removing from myself the idea that it’s easier to be what other people think of myself and letting who I’ve been made to shine through. It’s kind of funny the reactions I’m receiving from people who have known me for some time. They’re like, “It’s great to see you blossoming.” I know these people mean well and to compliment, but the truth is, I’ve tried to force ministry for years, and years, but it never took root. This, now, is the anointed and appointed time for me to grow into who I’ve been called to be.

I still find it difficult to allow myself to be true. I think of Thomas Merton’s New Seeds of Contemplation and how he says our true self is in the contemplative state (being connected to G-d) and that we all wear masks. I wonder, what kind of mask are you wearing?

Is it a mask of humility?

Is it a mask of artistry?

Is it a mask of faith?

We all have our mask to overcome and throw away, but why is it that we believe we’re the only ones not being true? Why do we constantly act like we don’t have enough for all we encounter? Why do we allow ourselves to believe that we’re not good being who we’ve been made to be or called to be? Who am I to question if G-d made the right choice in choosing me to be His mouthpiece? Did He not create and form mouths? Did He not give words to Moses or to all the prophets? Is His son not words embodied?

How long will I let myself wear this mask?

When will I step into my true self?

How long will you let yourself wear your mask? 

Are you ready to be your truest self?

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Christian, Motherhood

Kill the Weeds, See the Fruit.

Today is one of those mornings that self-employed mamas dream of. I woke up and Navarone was still sound asleep. It’s been a peaceful and quiet morning. I’ve taken care of the pets. I’ve read my devotional and did some extra word study (something I thought I wouldn’t be able to do anymore after having Nav). I would recommend BibleHub.com if you want to start digging deeper into your understanding of G-d’s word. Anyways, I’ve done all my morning chores. I want to write. It’s been a few days since I’ve posted a blog and I want to write. I do what I always do before writing, I ask the Lord for inspiration and the words. I have no real topic come to me. Just the feeling and desire to write.

This is when I have to trust the Lord, deeply. I have to trust that the words I’ve already put down and the ones coming are all being Divinely downloaded into my brain.

Yesterday, I mowed our yard. We have a G I A N T front yard and back yard and most of it is weeds, not grass. We’ve haven’t been able to mow because of the rain. I finally was able to get out there yesterday. It took nearly three hours. Three hours. Our mower has a tendency to stop, which makes the process frustrating, difficult and take longer to complete. While mowing, I was thinking (I had a lot of time to think) that the first mow of the year is always the hardest. It’s the one where you REALLY have to put in the work. It’s the one where the yard seems to fight back. It’s the one where you have to really want the yard mowed and be determined to reach your goal no matter how long, hard or frustrating it might be, you gotta want it. One of my favorite things about mowing is being able to instantly see the progress and how much is left until I reach my goal.

The same can be said about our Divinely Anointed goals. When you first start out, it’s difficult. The first blog post, the first picture, the first song, the first step of faith is always the most difficult. When I first started this blog as more than just a diary, when I made my facebook and Instagram pages as more than memory holders, it was difficult to believe that it was what G-d asked of me. It was difficult to put myself out there. I had all those insecure thoughts of what other people would think. I had thoughts of people thinking I was some weird, hippie-dippy pagan for being a Spiritual life coach. It’s been about six months since I’ve started this journey, but it’s been about three months since I’ve truly chosen this path. It has not been easy to write, to podcast or simply put myself out there. It has not been easy to promote myself and what I offer. In a way, my insecurities and fears have been the weeds within the yard of my heart and mind. I have to fight the dead plants to let the fruit-bearing plants live, thrive and blossom.

What are your weeds? Do you want to see what could grow?

Since truly deciding that this is my Kingdom work, I’ve seen growth. I’ve seen followers increase and I’ve heard of people gaining insight from the word’s G-d has given me to speak. I see fruits beginning to bud out and it is beautiful.

Beloved, do not let your weeds rule your life. Do not accept that you’re not good enough. You are more than enough. Do you want to know how I know this? All I have to do is look at the cross. Jesus’s death screams, “YOU are Worth it.”

The first step of obedience is always the hardest, but I promise you, it’ll get easier. Rather, it becomes more worth it. No matter what others think. No matter the cost. It’s worth it. He’s worth it. You are worth it.

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Christian, Motherhood

You Are A Story Worth Loving

This past weekend I attended a women’s retreat held by the church my husband and I regularly attend. The theme was Once Upon A Time. And girl, did I need that time with the Lord.

I find it so cool and amazing how much G-d cares for us, really for me. I have a difficult time struggling with believing that I’m just a small-town girl. I have a tendency to think so little of myself (I don’t mean self-esteem wise more like I think I’m small and insignificant). I think that since my problems and struggles aren’t G I A N T that my prayers are on the bottom of G-d’s list. This weekend changed that ideology.

He is so cool. I’m going to tell you some of the things that G-d said to me, either to my spirit directly or through another person’s spirit. Now, this won’t be everything He said. This is only what I believe He says about you too.

I’m proud of you. I have heard your prayers and your cries. I am pleased with you.

Friends, the Lord of All is proud of you.

He is P R O U D of YOU!

He hears your prayers.

He hears your cries. The cries of your very soul. He hears.

He is pleased with you.

Beloved, rest. He’s got you in the palm of His hands.

You are protected. You are guided. You are loved.

I can’t get over the fact that He is proud of you. I can totally understand this as a parent. When Navarone makes a leap or conquers a new motor skill, I feel so much pride well up within me. I feel it for Dakota, too. I’m always so proud and astonished at the talent Dakota has in music (Desolate Tomb is his band).

How amazing is it that the Creator of the Universe feels that same sense of pride for you. He sees the diligent work you have been putting in to follow His guidance and to be made perfect. And He is proud of you and your efforts.

He hears your prayers and your cries.

Goodness! There are M A N Y times I feel like my prayers have fallen on deaf ears because I haven’t seen them come to fruition yet. There are times I get an answer for my prayers, a vision or solution, and yet I still feel like I’m not being heard because I haven’t seen the end of the situation yet.

He is pleased with you.

This is something that hits to my core. There are so many times that I question and second guess if I’m making the right move. I hate it. I hate when I hesitate. I know when G-d is prompting me and yet I hesitate. He sees my hunger though. He sees your hunger and is pleased with you.

Friend, may I leave you with one thing?

Be still. Rest in knowing all that He has said about you. Don’t doubt the Spirit.

You are called to do what is on your heart to do. You are called. No one else called to do what’s on your heart. How can they be? OverProject 2.png