Here’s my story; August 3, 2018, I became a mama to a beautiful boy, Navarone. The journey to becoming a mom wasn’t easy though, while my pregnancy wasn’t difficult, delivery wasn’t what I planned.
I had gone to the doctor for my prenatal check-up, this was a bit of an odd appointment in that the time it was scheduled was later than I usually go. On top of having a later appointment, my ob was having to cover the other doctor’s patients which put me back even later. I ended up being the last patient seen that day.
When the doctor went to check Nav’s heartbeat, it was quite elevated, so she requested that I get hooked up to a monitor for twenty minutes. She was expecting a nurse to be able to stay with me and run the monitor, but they all had to leave or had already left for the day. This meant that I had to go down to labor and delivery for monitoring. While there, and well after twenty minutes, Navarone’s heartbeat suddenly dropped below 90 beats per minute. A swarm of nurses rush in, toss me from side to side, place an oxygen mask on my face and do everything to regulate his heartbeat.
My ob happened to be watching the monitor too and requested that I stay the night to continue monitoring.
The night of August 2, 2018, was the longest night of my life. Over the course of the evening, Navarone’s heartbeat dropped two more times. It was being discussed that I might have to delivery Navarone via c-section, but they wanted to try to induce my labor before. On August 3, I was 36 weeks and 6 days along in my pregnancy, my doctor wanted to induce me at midnight, so I would be considered 37 weeks and we would have a full-term birth. Her ideal situation would be to send me home until 39 weeks, but with the number of times, Nav’s heartbeat had dropped she didn’t want to risk it.
Then, his heartbeat dropped again. They induced me at 10 o’clock in the morning.
Heartbeat dropped again. The nurses and an on-hand PA’s rushed in and broke my water. They placed a monitor on the top of Navarone’s head. He was having a difficult time dropping into position.
That was it. They pulled the plug on waiting for a natural birth and started the preparations to wheel me back. By this point, I had already had an epidural (which I originally didn’t want, but got so I would be awake in the case that I had to have a c-section done).
Finally, it was decided that I would have to have a cesarean for the sake of Navarone. What was happening was my body was having contractions every 30 seconds and it wasn’t giving him enough time to recover and come up for air.
So, as quickly as they could, they wheeled me back. Then they brought Dakota back.
After all the preparations were made, they cut me open and pulled Navarone out.
I was relieved. I was overjoyed. I was thankful.
But I also didn’t feel like a real mama or like a real woman because I didn’t push him out.
After his birth, I tried breastfeeding. I didn’t have anything coming out which now I know is due to me giving birth four weeks before my due date, having him by c-section and it being my first child, it just took my milk a little longer to come in, but at the time it was just a confirmation that I wasn’t going to be able to provide for him. I prayed continuously for G-d to provide the milk I needed to supply Navarone’s nourishment. I seriously prayed that milk would flow. It did. Oh boy, it did.
Before my milk came, I wasn’t able to feed him enough so we had to supplement to get his glucose levels up. He was having a difficult time with his glucose. Such a difficult time that he ended up having to go up to NICU for a couple of days. This solidified my distrust of my mothering.
Nothing about my delivery went as I planned. Seriously. I had a sheet printed out and everything. I wasn’t prepared for how it all happened. When we were finally able to leave the hospital with Navarone, I ended up having a serious panic attack. I was so worried about bringing him home and not being able to protect and care for him.
My husband, Dakota, had to calm me down. I could see in his face that he was worried about me. For him, he had just seen me go through major surgery, pretty much ignore my need to rest and recover, obsess over providing milk for our son, and all that was going on with Navarone and now, right before we go home, I’m crying so hard that my body is shaking.
Even though Navarone’s birth was nothing like I had planned, I did learn a few things.
I learned that being a mother is a little bit of going with the flow. It’s a little bit of throwing the plan out the window and doing what needs to be done for your child(ren).
I learned that sometimes you have to ask for help with taking care of your baby. You have to depend on other women, mothers and some fathers to help you out.
I learned that I have shown myself grace. As a mom, it feels like I have to be all together. I feel like a failure a lot of the time.
I learned that ultimately the best way to protect, raise and care for your child is to trust G-d’s plan for them. You see, if He hadn’t been involved in Navarone’s birth there’s a possibility (a high one) that I wouldn’t have my precious boy. I wouldn’t know the sweetness of having a son and the bond that comes with motherhood. I wouldn’t see the love the Lord has for His children as clearly as I do now.